A Fresh Look

So kids, today is the second day of the semester. All I have to say is fuck. I would normally try and expand my description with less vulgarity but it accurately and concisely describes how I feel so deal with it. I haven’t blogged in over a week which is something I don’t like to do but it’s been unavoidable. Last week was pretty uneventful, although I wouldn’t mind going back-sans the past day or so. Anyway, I’ve always disliked coming back to school after a long break, as most people can probably relate to. This time seemed to suck less and a hell of a lot more at times. I’ll explain.

I packed up all my junk Sunday and got ready to come back to school. Long story short, the day was pretty stressful. I’m not a fan of packing/unpacking, especially when it means I have to leave home. It may sound odd but I really miss being home when I’m here. Not every minute of the day but I really do. I know the security has a lot to do with it but it’s mainly the fact that my family is awesome and I miss them. I get back every other weekend, sometimes every weekend, so it’s not that bad, it’s just when you add in a ton of stress it makes it that much worse.

The thing is, I changed my major shortly before break. While this isn’t that big of a deal, for someone like me who thinks of college as more than a way to put off growing up but more like the years I have to put in that will affect the rest of my life it kind of is. All of my classes this semester except one are directly related to my new major. I like them, don’t get me wrong, it’s just that it’s such a change. For me, it’s just so awkward to have a set idea of where you want to go and for it to change so quickly. That’s life though.

My real problem, yesterday in particular, is the bus system. I don’t mind walking most places it’s just with my ankle/shin issues it’s just more convenient to take the bus when possible, that is when it actually comes. I got to my morning class on time, came back, then figured since we got out early I’d just go and take the bus to it. Well the bus never came and, of course, I was wearing new shoes. I walked to my class not thinking that my heels would end up having blisters over most of the area from the top of my heel to my ankle. I ended up, after asking this nice fellow, making it to my class sweaty and about two minutes late. I should note, being late for class, especially a lecture hall is normally really tough for me because of the fact that I have an anxiety disorder but thanks to my new friend Paxil I was calm sort of cool and mostly collected.

I then got lost and had to wait forever for another bus. An hour later I got back to my room and just started bawling. It was like all the stress had just exploded and all I could do was pour. I called my mom hysterically like 3 times, ended up not going to my first day of chemistry and was seriously so low. It was honestly one of the worst feelings in the world. The good part of the story is that even though my eyes were red and puffy and I couldn’t stop crying I got out of my room, went to CVS (Got lost again of course so I had to walk further than I would have if I had any sense of direction) got some blister supplies, and made it back for dinner. Instead of ordering in I went downstairs and ate with my roomate and a girl down the hall then I even went to study with them and played Scene It with like 10 other people. Granted, with the 10 other people I barely spoke but it’s a real achievement for me.

Today has been pretty uneventful comparatively. My blisters are healing well, I’m trying out the new cushions for them (exciting I know) went to an hour and fifty minute class which wasn’t terrible until my butt started to hurt and I started hearing voices in my head. Right. Anyway, it’s difficult for me to think of themes anymore for my blog entry. When I first started it was alot easier because I really didn’t have any college experiences to talk about, not even the little things that add up to a whole entry like this one. Well, the little things that add up to an exploding stress ball from hell that is. Really, I’m just trying to talk about my experiences and the emotions attached because at least for me, those are the most interesting and potentially helpful for other people to read. At least I hope so. My theme that I got from my bastard blisters is that even though they might hurt really bad at first once they heal the skin is tougher. I think that’s true. Kind of like calluses I think. Anyway, what I’m getting at is that, like yesterday when I dehydrated myself from crying, the tough times are traumatic, but it get’s easier, and life gets better. I still miss being at home but I remember that I’ll be home soon enough, that I can handle things, the good parts of being here, and that everything works out in the end.

Happy New Year’s Eve! That said, it’s time for me to make some new year’s resolutions, enjoy.

1. Be more active. Now, I mean that in more than one sense. In the first sense and the most common, I want to start working out again. I’ve been so stressed for the longest time and do still need surgery on my ankle, nonetheless, I can go to the gym and I plan on it. It’ll help with my anxiety for next semester and it’ll tighten my behind which is always a plus. The second way I mean it is that I want to start volunteering, getting out more, doing more, and ultimately not letting myself sit idle.

2. Don’t sweat the small things. Pretty self explanatory. I don’t want to spend this year wasting my time worrying about crap I can’t handle. I just want to do what I have to do, be done with it, and enjoy the rest.

3. Enjoy life more. I want to really take the time to stop being upset about things and enjoy what’s sitting right in front of me. It kind of goes with not sweating the small things actually but with everything. I’ve spent more time than I’d like just getting through life and not stopping to enjoy all the great things that should make my experience that much better.

4. Be more social. I know it’s hard for me, especially towards the end of the semester not being on medication, but now I really want to be more social. I’m holding myself back and letting a few negative experiences poison all the good ones-even with the same people. I really want to branch out in my dorm, in clubs, groups etc. and really try to open myself up.

5. Finally get my freaking driver’s license. (I think there’s an apostrophe in that, whatever.) I have yet to get it because I keep putting it off. Actually, that’s probably a better resolution, stop putting things off. It’s a weird one for me though since anyone who knows me would not call me a procrastinator but I am. I mean I get assignments done on time and I even do alot of them far in advance. When it comes to other things though, or even some assignments, even though I get them done “on time” or just get them done period, I put them off longer than I’d like to and it bothers me. I end up wasting a lot of time when I could have just gotten it done and out of the way and enjoyed a more relaxing time wasting session.

Those are really the big things that I want to accomplish. Other than that I think the rest branch out from those. Have a great New Year.

I’ve been saying I would blog for the past 3 or 4 days and each time I put it off. I really haven’t had a whole lot to say. I’ve been spending my first college break being incredibly lazy. I only have one more week left and while I knew that I wouldn’t want to go back I’m a little nervous. In a way I’m excited to go back and get going on some of the things I want to accomplish I’m kind of nervous. I know it’s the whole change deal but I’ve always thought I enjoyed change. I guess I do like change but not when it’s stressful change, even if it’s good.

I definitely need something to motivate me, especially during break. For example, on most days during break I don’t get up until at least noon because I don’t have to. For school I get up because I have class or some other crap to do but during break I figure eh who cares. Not like that’s a huge problem or anything but I just feel really lazy. Then again I enjoy being lazy, I suppose it works out. The only bad thing is that I put things off. Making appointments, which after my withdrawal episode is not a good idea, and plenty of other things. Oh well such is life.

I’ve been thinking a lot about next semester during break and I’ve realized that I do a lot of planning ahead. For some reason I’m always thinking long term. I forget that I actually have to go through with the things I plan, or at least try, though. Anywho, looking back at last semester I realize how much my whole long term plans have changed. I still can’t get my head out of the long term though. Hopefully I can find a happy medium, but probably not. I really would like to spend a semester abroad in Ireland, Australia, Italy, or England, don’t ask why since I don’t really know.

I would also like to become albino monkey trainer. Maybe buy a llama farm and eat nothing but egg salad for 4 1/2 months then move to Nebraska and retire to corn husking. Umm… Yeah I don’t know where that came from but hey why not? Ah yeah, I wouldn’t say I’m bored with break since there’s plenty of things I could do just not things I really want to do. So in a way I want to go back to school to get started on the things I want to accomplish next semester but then again that means work, and everyone knows how I feel about work… Not a fan.

I don’t know if it’s all the sugar I’ve eaten/drank today or what but I really can’t focus. I’m trying to get my mind wrapped around all the things I wanted to write about but I’m finding myself unable to get to it. If you could see my eyes right now they’re kind of move in really small circles. Not enough to notice it unless I tell you that that’s what they’re doing but once you know it’s pretty freaky. Throughout most of break I’ve noticed that I’m stressing over a lot of mundane details. It’s interesting because that’s something that I know I need to stop doing next semester if I want to make progress. Towards the end of last semester I noticed myself stressing over the little things, which is what I’m doing now, so I really don’t want to do that next semester. I was really enjoying the beginning of the semester and while I think I went back a step end of semester I moved forward four steps at the beginning so I’m still happy with where I’m at. Tomorrow’s New Year’s Eve kids so I’ll be writing up my New Year’s resolutions. I love New Year’s because it really does feel like a fresh start. A lot of people seem to think it’s corny but I really don’t care they can bite me.

Merry Christmas cherubs! Yes, today is Christmas but it just doesn’t feel like it. I’m not sure if it’s the weather, the fact that I’m a year older, or the fact that I have so muc on my mind (yet still honorably lazy) that’s making today not feel festive. I love Christmas. I love celebrating and what not it’s just this year I just don’t seem to be as excited. There wasn’t really the build up of excitement or anything. I guess it is that I’ve had so much to deal with and this week I’ve just been in lazy bastard mode. Nonetheless, there are some things, events if you will, that I am looking forward to. Another list, hell yeah.

Turning 21 March 25th 2009. I’m excited for my 19th birthday coming up in 3 months, that means approximately 90 shopping days, so get on that, as well, but really 19 isn’t that exciting. If I’m correct I can go buy beer in Canada but Canadians freak me out. You’ve seen South Park right?

Valentines day. I love valentines day. I don’t love it because of all the romantic crap, I love it for the candy and cookies. Little heart shaped goodies are just delightful. Me sitting on the couch eating large amounts of processed sugar. Get that image in your head. Not going to lie, that’s pretty hot. I can’t imagine why I’d be single. You shut the hell up.

St. Patrick’s Day. Oh… Hell… Yeah. I freaking love St. Patty’s day!!!!! I have a feeling, check that, I know that I’m going to make this year’s St. Patty’s day at State (hopefully Spring Break isn’t then, I don’t think so) rule like no other should or will ever.

July 9th 2007- My mom’s birthday. No milestone or anything other than it being another year, which is a milestone in itself right? I think so. Anyway, I figure it’s a good day to pick as well because it will probably be warm, and that will be good.

Well that was fun. I like being optimistic. I’ll save all the “next year’s sappy optimism which I find to be really inspring/things that depressed me over break causing me to look forward to going back to school which ends up being a good thing entry for the end of the month/year.

Instead of all that you’re going to have to wait a week to read, I’ll talk about how much I enjoy being lazy. I hear some people say they have to be doing something and my heart just goes out to them. They don’t know the joy that is hours of television watching, computer surfing, half awake candy eating, midnight coffee and strudels parties for one, and late night informecials. You sad bastards.

So I have done some Christmassy stuff. My dad’s birthday is on Christmas and we opened presents and stockings Christmas Eve. That was fun, except for the fact that I bought computer games for my mom and dad and neither of them work. Fuckin A. I also bought Talladega Nights and I forgot that it wasn’t as funny as I thought I remembered it being… Yeah that didn’t make sense, I mean it’s funny, but it’s $23.00, including tax, that I’ll never see again. I also watched “A Christmas Story” and “It’s a Wonderful Life” tonight and baked cookies. How cute. I made a gingerbread man sugar cookie (yeah doesn’t make since I know) who lost his legs and was kind of funky which for some reason made me think of Dr. Phil saying to that girl, “that’s one skanky coke whore.” So, I ended up naming the cookie crack ho, not coke whore, it didn’t fit.

Yep that’s about it, merry christmas!

Once again, I catch myself in several situations that I vowed I’d never be in. In order to be vague, I’ll just say that most people have had those moments where they realize they have to admit that they’ve changed their minds and that they were an ass before. To clarify, there’s a lot of things going on in my life right now that I can only explain by saying that I’ve changed quite a bit. Everyone changes but sometimes we choose not to be open to the changes. You just can’t anticipate what life is going to throw at you and you can’t try and move to quickly, most of the time. Well I certainly didn’t anticipate a lot of the changes in my life right now and I without a doubt tried to move to quickly.

Some of the changes I’m talking about are really ridiculous. Like the new boots that I bought, that I love, that I said I’d never wear on principle. Be careful what you say in jest for it will come back and bite you in the ass, take a chunk out, and leave you with a nasty infection. Here’s a good one, I’m seriously thinking about doing the whole Sorority thing, rush I think they call it… Anyway, I’ve never had a problem with sororities like some girls seem to, but I did say I could never see myself being in one. Things change. Honestly, it just seems like such a great way to meet new people and do a lot of good.

Those are the two fairly superficial changes I was talking about, but I’ve changed in a few other more important ways. My life “plan,” if we can even have one that is, has obviously changed and so has my outlook on life in general. It’s really odd to relapse. I was doing so well with my anxiety and just fell off the wagon for a while. In more ways than one, I’ve felt this crappy feeling like I took 5 giant steps back… Thinking about it though, I really made huge strides, and fast, to begin with. I mean, I was off of a really difficult, life changing year and a half to an incredibly life changing experience going away to college. 3 months I was doing things that I never thought I’d be able to do,a nd doing them incredibly well. Iw as having a great time for once and for that I don’t know how I could be anything but grateful honestly. So looking at everything I’ve accomplished, looking at how I was able to get through November and December, the months of Hell, and come out strong, I kind of have to kick myself in the ass and pat myself on the head…

I’ve really been having some very odd nostalgic moments lately. I don’t like nostalgia yet it’s like from time to time I can’t help but drown in it. I’m having one of those rough weeks where things are good but at the same time I feel like I’m moving backwards. I’m not, I’m really not moving much at all, but it feels like it. It’s so odd being home and honestly I kind of miss MSU. I spent the last two months of the semester (give or take) more or less going through the motions. I’m very thankful for the rest and the break but I know that I have a ton of moving forward to do. I’ve got a lot ahead of me and a lot that I need to face next semester. I get that I need to try and not take this time for granted but it’s such an odd feeling. Next semester should be very very interesting.

Anyway, I can barely even process the way I feel at the moment. I think I’m at a fork in the road. I had a feeling that things were going to well the first few months of school and so I think it all balanced out. I got a chance to see what it was like to be really happy, really sad, and nothing all in the same situation. Kind of interesting. I must say, nothing is the worst. It’s like eating the spicy bean burrito instead of the red hot beef burrito. The spicy bean burrito is good, but not nearly as good as the red hot beef. The red hot beef if eaten before bed gives me nightmares though. But the spicy bean gives me gas and leaves me feeling empty. Wow I can’t believe I wrote that. Whatever, it’s 5 in the morning, throw me a fricken bone. I’ll probably write a couple more entries before the new year when I’ll hopefully put a lot of this crap to rest and set in place my goals for next year. Until then I bid you all adieu.

Ah, it doesn’t get much better than this. It’s Sunday afternoon, I’ve only been up since 1:30, and I’m staring at three weeks of unadulterated laziness. Things just don’t bother me in this state. I left MSU Thursday night and it was weird I felt like I was coming down with something. My ears were really hot and my stomach was dead. Fortunately, after some Wendy’s and 9 hours of sleep all was well. I then got to spend all Friday surfing the internet and watching Grey’s Anatomy. I took no calls, I spoke to no one except for my mom and I think my dad, don’t remember. I like to call it my mini, concious coma. Amazing. I ended up sleeping 12 hours Friday night and another 11 last night. Freaking amazing.

To make life even better, last night my mom and I went to the mall and I bought a brand new pair of the cutest gray boots from American Eagle. They only had one pair of ten’s left and now they are mine. I heart them. For old time’s sake we went for a ride through Plymouth where we stopped for coffee and the awesome, heart clogging butter clogged bagels. Delicious. We then saw this building that my mom has been talking about buying and starting a business out of. It’s a really cool concept to which I hope to elaborate on when I know more. Suffice it to say it’s really cool.

I still have mounds of crap in my room to unpack, clothes to bag up and donate to Salvation Army, laundry to do, etc., but I just don’t care. I don’t know for sure what my GPA is going to look like but do I care, nay. I also have an intense schedule staring at me for next semester however, I do not care. Life is just too good right now to care. I have been doing a lot of research as well as planning for next semester. It’s weird, preparing for med school is a lot like high school and preparing for college. I liken the MCAT’s to the ACT only much more sick and twisted. Nonetheless, I’m pretty pumped about it. I feel like I might be overloading myself again and I’m not going to lie, it feels good. I can’t say it will feel good on no sleep next semester but we’ll see. Here’s what I’m looking at for next semester. A few things might get the ax, well no, a few things will get the ax, but it’s a working schedule.

-16 credits of fun. I will probably be trying to bring up my GPA a bit since I wasn’t so worried about it before, come to think of it I’m not that worried about it now. Hopefully I rock the MCAT.
-Spartan Edge (to which I do believe I’ve effectively switched my schedule around so I can make meetings.)
-Work… Yes, I dislike working however, my job couldn’t be much better. Working in a bookstore isn’t too bad and having a part-time job will look good on my apps.
-Pre-SOMA (Pre-Student Osteopathic Medical Association)
-Pom. Okay, I loved Pom in Junior High and I figure it’s a good way to get in shape without having to go running, which I hate. I have a pair of jeans that I love and would like to be able to dry. Ladies, you know what I’m talking about, and if you don’t eh I just hate you.
-Volunteer at Sparrow.
-NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness-MSU)
-Campus Crusade

I get a little tired looking at it so my schedule will most likely slim down a bit before January. At the moment though, I really don’t care. It’s in the abstract and I’m comfy under my pretty blue blanket. It does remind me of finals week when everyone else seemed to be stressing I was eating cookies and watching Grey’s Anatomy. Happy break! Wow, I went to go do a word count on this entry and I had 666 words. So here’s a few extra for good measure.

This question has been driving me up the wall for at least a month. Yes, I’ve been off my meds, but I’m pretty sure that I’ve become another freshman statistic. When I came here I thought I was set. I wanted to e a journalist and possibly get into comedy. I assumed I wouldn’t be one of those freshman that changes their major. As of this morning I am a statistic.

I had an odd road to college. Nervous breakdown junior year after a lifetime of being a ridiculous overachiever, then independent study, then slacker or sorts in college. Coming here I assumed I’d be a journalist since I knew I was a good writer. I even contemplated getting into broadcast. Although I still enjoy writing and I still like journalism I realized that I was taking the easy way out. I settled on something because it was safe, kind of like I’ve always done. I just became so tired with school and wanted to do what I knew I was good at. Somehow I was reminded that I used to want to be a doctor and researching med school, majors, requirements etc. I’ve realized that I still do.

When I really want something but am afraid I tend to put it down or find any reason possible why I shouldn’t do it. “I don’t want to take calculus, I don’t want to spend another four years in school, I don’t think I’m smart enough,” are all the things I’ve been telling myself. That’s crap. So today, after a ton of research and having changed my schdule a thousand times (not really, but it’s a large enough number that the exaggeration is applicable) I went to the UUD advising office and changed my major to Kinesiology-Premed.

I still want to write and I still want to take courses at Second City, I just don’t know if I want to do that for the rest of my life. I can honestly see myself being a doctor, or a medical researcher. Specifically something in Neuroscience, possibly Neurobiology. While I have watched far too much Grey’s Anatomy in the past month, that’s not completely why I want to be a doctor. I really do want to help people and the brain fascinates me. Knowing what I know about my anxiety disorder being physical and not psychological as it is considered to be, I’m incredibly motivated to study the brain. There seems to be a lot lacking as far as research and who knows I could be the doctor to expand the field.

Anyway, stay tuned for my next entry on people stressing out over finals while I kick back, watch Grey’s Anatomy and eat cookies.

I wrote this Sunday 4am

I said before that I couldn’t be hypnotized. I’m just too high strung, anxious, that I can’t relax like that usually. Today reminded me how I can get there. Lying here, at home, on my own bed, staring at the television screen I lost myself. All day off and on I just layed there trying to avoid anything real. My drug of choice, Grey’s Anatomy. One of the songs on the show just got to me which means alot because it doesn’t happen to often, not like this. The song was “Chasing Cars” by Snow Patrol. What’s so odd is that every lyric in that song describes exactly how I feel lately. It’s what I keep feeling over and over again but I never acknowledge I need. Here’s the lyrics, conveniently from lyrics.com.

We’ll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don’t need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don’t quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They’re not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we’re told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that’s bursting into life

Let’s waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we’re told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that’s bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they’re all I can see

I don’t know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I can’t calm myself when I’m around lots of people. The anxiety comes and all I can do is keep it at bay. I can’t open up, I can’t get comfortable, I can’t be me. With the medications over the past few months though I was able to do just that. I was finally able to open up and let things go. Being off of it for a while reminded me how much I’d always wanted that. How there is a way out and how I have to keep fighting for me. I know it sounds chessy but it’s true, I’ve got to fight for me because if I don’t no one else will. Even though I’m aware that the anxiety is beside me, that the way I close off isn’t me it doesn’t hurt any less. The episodes, when I’m in them, feel like there’s no end. It’s absolutely draining and I can’t help but spend the entire day finding a way out. I’m glad that I don’t turn to drugs like some people, I’m glad that my vice is a harmless television show or spending the day in my head, writing out how I feel. It’s just that the cycle is incredibly draining. Even though I can lie there, watch the world go away, it’d be nice to have someone next to me instead of doing it alone.

I don’t like being this dramatic, which is why I normally turn to humor. That’s not to say that humor hasn’t gotten me through most of the pain in my life but there’s sometimes when I just can’t crack a joke. Some things I just can’t laugh through and this time that’s the case. I guess being closed off for so long, opening up, then closing off again, has left me exhausted. You don’t realize how broken you are when you’re moving. It’s when you have the opportunity to slow down that you actually fall apart.

Normally, I could tape myself back together but I don’t really want to anymore. I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t want to just tape myself back together. The pieces are all there I just want to figure out how to put them back together right. I don’t think I can do that by myself though. When things aren’t’ right you know it, and I’ve known it for a long time. They get better, they fall apart. I’m not delusional enough to think that things will ever be perfect but I do know that the way they are I can’t stay together. I also don’t know how I’m going to go about it for sure. I do know that I need to let myself be vulnerable and let someone else in.

For the longest time, culminating last night, I’ve let myself think that there was something wrong with me. Like the reason why I don’t have someone is that there’s something wrong with me. I’ve felt as if I’m some sort of repellent. I can’t say I can honestly convince myself otherwise at the moment but logically I know that’s not the case. I’ve closed myself off because I’m scared. I don’t want to settle but in that I haven’t let myself be happy. When I did try and open up I wasted my time on what I didn’t want. I knew I didn’t want it but I figured I’d be like everyone else and just enjoy the attention. I mean who doesn’ t like feeling wanted, but I want more than that. The thing is that I don’t just need someone there to affirm what I’m worth, I know I matter, I know I’d make someone very happy, but I also need to try and make myself happy.

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

I love that part of the song because it’s what I feel like I need. Right now I need to believe that I’m worth it. I need to stop underestimating myself as if I’m incapable of handling life. The first part of that came from deciding that I am going to go Premed. I can’t say what’ll happen 4 years from now, 8 years from now, 15 years from now. What I do know is that I don’t want to say I didn’t try. I definitely don’t want to spend my life knowing that I didn’t try because I didn’t believe in myself. So I’m putting myself out there and taking a risk. Right now that feels good, right now lying here distancing myself from the world feels good. Instead of second guessing that feeling I’m going to allow my exhausted self as much distance as possible. I’ll come back, and it might not be enough, but right now I’m going to let myself have that. I might be alone, but I’m going to have that.

Oh by the way, it’s fun watching Grey’s because of how ridiculous their problems are. Some are real but wow let’s all feel sorry for Meredith who gets to make out with McDreamy. Man, I want to have that problem.

Basically, this week can kiss my ass. No that’d be generous of me. This week can walk through the smell of death like I had to weeks ago. Feels like yesterday. Actually this week isn’t/hasn’t been bad at all really but when it’s so close to break it’s a bitch just for exsisting. I don’t recall talking much about my weekend in my last entry so since I’m sure you’re all crying over it I’ll help you out. Friday was awesome since I got my presentation over with. I was quite proud of myself for doing it and even got a few laughs which is always nice. Friday night, the best night ever. I bought Grey’s Anatomy Season 2 and it pretty much rocks my world. Since Friday night I’ve watched 12 episodes. Some might say I’m addicted, I’d tell those people to shut the hell up.

Saturday I went shopping again with my roommate then we went and watched Frederick Winters the hypnotist dude. It was pretty funny but I know I couldn’t be hypnotized unless I was absolutely alone and even then I don’t think so. I’m too freakin high strung for that. However, I did buy a couple of his CD’s which are pretty good. I end up either falling asleep, which is good, or making fun of it. For example it’s hilarious when he’s like, “Sleep, deeper, that’s it.” I guess it doesn’t look that funny but trust me it is when you hear it. Each time I’ve listened to them I wonder if I’ll have the Peter Gibbons experience.

Sunday, who would’ve thought, we did more shopping. Since we walked my ankle has been throbbing which is really pleasant… Eh Monday doesn’t matter, so today I woke up 10 minutes before I had to be at class. I contemplated not going but alas I went. I threw on sweats, grabbed a couple of granola bars and headed out. Honestly, I kind of wish i hadn’t. The only reason why I went was because of the quiz so after that I got to spend an hour and a half wasting time. Great. So when I got back I showered and only had time to eat a hot pocket which was completely unsatisfying. I did have a few extra minutes so on my way I stopped and got a cafe mocha and a copy of the NY Times since that’s what I normally do. Anyway, almost to class I slip on the ice and spill coffee all over my coat and the sleeve of my new sweater. I attempt to find a bathroom but of course, my stellar directional awareness fails me once again and I cannot. The only consolation is that I do believe I kicked ass on my exam.

It’s kind of nice that today is very relaxed but for some reason I have a really nasty headache. I also know I have to work tomorrow which is lame. Fortunately, I’ll have a somewhat long weekend after 3pm on Thursday. Since my head is killing me and I’m a tad irritable I think cutting this entry short is a good idea. Here’s something to make up for it though. Enjoy. Oh the title, right, “Oddly Enough, Everything I Ate Today Wanted to Be On Me Not In Me.” Ah yeah, it was a working title. Haha, yes it turned into a tricky situation. Oh I should stop.

Oh in case you didn’t notice, it’s ridiculously cold outside. Yes, I’ve lived in Michigan my entire life and actually haven’t traveled to what one would consider a warm climate but nonetheless it’s still a bitch. I traveled to Grand River 3 times this weekend and each time was ridiculous. I actually turned pretty purple the second time. I had the applications to the University of North Carolina-Chapel Hill, University of Southern California, and University of Miami all sitting there waiting to be filled out but no I went with MSU. I’m glad I did but I seriously wish that we could switch climates with USC, that’d be great.

I’m pretty disappointed with myself for not posting on December 1st. The first day of December, my favorite month of the year, and I don’t post. How lame. In my defense I ended up going to Journalism and doing the presentation. I honestly contemplated backing out but God got me through it and I’m very relieved. It certainly took a lot out of me but it’s over with thankfully and I’m glad I did it.

So I’m trying to type while eating General Tso’s Chicken. I don’t think they gave me General Tso’s though since it looked just like my roommates sans the sesame seeds. It’s also not spicy at all. It’s pretty good so I won’t complain. I don’t really have that much to say since I spent most of my weekend shopping and watching Grey’s Anatomy. I have a bunch of homework to do that probably won’t get done. I also have a therapist appointment next weekend which is lame since I have to switch therapists again and talk about my childhood/family/pony I never got that I didn’t want when all I need is my meds. Regulate the chemicals and I’m set, but no let’s talk about how I felt in kindergarten when that hobag stole my crayons. I was pissed, end of story. Yes she stole my favorite colors and she’s probably living in a trailer park with her 6 illegitimate kids. How does that make me feel? Pretty good, bitch shouldn’t have stolen my crayons.

I would be a horrible therapist. See it’s either I tell it like it is, I completely bullshit you, or I don’t say anything at all. There’s not much gray area. So for example you come in and tell me you have these voices that tell you to burn things. I ask how many, you reply 4. I ask if you go out and burn things when they tell you, you say only if Larry says to. All I can think of to say is wow that’s pretty creepy. I suppose that medication or a nice lobotomy might clear that up but hey, it is creepy. I get that you can’t help it but come on that’s creepy. Shoot I’m pretty freakin creepy, such is life though. I think I’m a charming creepy though, at least that’s what Cheryl tells me…

I could say a lot more but it’s all just random. Like how I bought these hypnosis CD’s at the Frederick Winters show that are pretty sweet. Or how I’m getting pretty irritated by having bad dates. There’s my next topic, bad dates. Yes, I’ve had quite a few lately. I need to find a guy that knows how to talk. Seriously, it’s so friggen irritating to sit there and initiate crap. For example, I’ll be on a date, or want to go out with a guy and I’ve got to bring stuff up the whole time. I don’t think I’m explaining this well. Here’s a better definition, I’m tired of douchebags. Honestly, if you’re a douchebag that has no idea what you want out of life in any way just go. Also, don’t ask me if I “like you.” Don’t drop hints. Be a man and ask me out. I had a dream the other night that I was making out with McDreamy. Yes, I know he’s like 25 years older than me but come on he’s gorgeous. That’s the thing, you have to have some redeemable quality. If you’re ridiculously handsome and have a lacking personality or you have a great personality and lacking physical attractiveness or you’re kind of a douchebag but have great hair… You get the idea. Ah that’s it.