The Spartanette

Thursday night, dressed like some form of a “Snow Bunny” for a frat’s theme party, I decided to play a little beer pong. Generally, I don’t play beer pong with people (especially frat guys) I don’t know well, because I’m afraid I’ll be terrible and my partner will judge me. Lately, though, I’ve begun to care less what some pledge thinks of my ball handling skills (ha ha), so I’ve been playing more pong.

In all the games I’ve played recently, I’ve been dressed in some sort of theme outfit. And these ridiculous costumes illustrated a part of beer pong that I’ve always been aware of, but it took wearing tight pants to make me conscious of it. Of course, I am talking about the Beirut Bend and Snap.

Elle Woods popularized the Bend and Snap in “Legally Blonde.” She recommends it as a pick-up tip; I say: hell no. There’s no way I am going to do that to get a guy’s attention. (I’m an old-fashioned girl; I ridicule him until he thinks I’m funny.)

Beer pong, however, presents us with a problem. There are balls flying all over the room and someone has to pick them up. And what so often happens is that the ball falls right to the left side of the girl–and she must turn and pick it up, giving a nice ass shot to her attractive partner to her right.

Beer pong is a good way to meet someone at a party. You play together for an hour. You build a little team spirit. If you’re good at beer pong (or even just dece), you can impress the guy with your skills. If you win, this makes the other person say something like, “We make a good team!” This also presents opportunities for high-fiving and maybe even a quick hug or ass pat. And being beer pong partners with someone at a party is a totally appropriate reason for them to Facebook you the next day. A wall post about playing again sometime soon is the obvious next step. Beer pong with a hot guy as your partner is a great situation in which to find yourself. But it’s important not to ruin things because you failed when it came to finding the balls.

To be intoxicated yet graceful is the goal of the Beirut Bend and Snap. Every girl has her own way of doing it. Here are my tips:

Face your partner whenever possible. It would be best if you could get in a position so he is seeing your front as you pick up the ball. This is perfect if you are wearing a low-cut top. As you bend down, eyes and hands searching for the ball, your hair will fall in your face and look sexy. And he has a shot of your boobs. Because you’re bent with your knee in your chest, your boobs will look bigger. (I like to linger in this position for one second longer than is actually necessary.) Then look up at your partner. Toss your hair from your face and bat your eyelashes. Just as he looks about ready to do a Texas Tuck, stand straight up, quickly, and give him a big smile as you get ready to take your shot. Don’t be surprised if he doesn’t make his. All his blood is rushing down and his hand-eye coordination will suffer.

If you can’t face your partner, it’s important to take your time before executing this move, especially if your team is losing and you’re getting bombed. Locate the ball before you go down; you don’t want to crawl around on your hands and knees at any point. Slowly squat. Be careful if you are wearing low-rise jeans. A sliver of back may appear and you are still classy, but if any part of your underwear or crack shows, you’re just done. Pick up the ball.

Now it’s important that you stand straight up and at a decent pace. You might be tempted to do some sort of slow, bendy, rise that is reminiscent of Jessica Simpson’s “These Boots are Made for Walkin’” video. I recommend you save that move for your next trip to the Dollar. The whole point of playing beer pong is to show a guy you are sporty and down-to-earth and can hang out. You want to steer clear of anything overtly sexual. (The cleavage shot is not overtly sexual, because you pretend you don’t know he can see your cleavage. Guys really respond well to things they think are sexy because “she doesn’t even realize she’s doing it.” They say this about things like a girl absentmindedly biting her lower lip, running her fingers through her hair, licking the foam from a latte off her upper lip, touching herself or drinking slooooowwwwly from a bottle of beer. We act like we don’t, but unless we’ve been Roofied, we realize we’re doing it. And we realize you’re shifting uncomfortably and reaching for a pillow to cover your crotch.)

Once you’ve stood up, smooth your shirt, and give your hair a little toss. Dip the ball in the water cup. Say something cocky about the shot you’re about to make. Sink your shot. Land a date.