The Spartanette

Facebook is, among other things, a sexist invention. It benefits guys and hurts girls. Guys have an easy way of talking to girls they see around or have in class. They can spend hours checking out hot girls who tag themselves looking great in albums called “This is Why I’m Hot.” If they’re lucky, they can look at girls kissing each other, dancing on tables and falling out of their tops at the bar. Yes, Facebook would have been invented by a man.

Girls use it for looking at people too—other girls. For college women, Facebook is mainly a tool for stalking the other girls in the life of the guy they are dating/banging/crushing/stalking. Living with 50 girls has made this so clear to me. If they see a girl tagged in more than one of his photos or who has posted on his wall, they begin stalking the girl obsessively. If he’s going on her date party, she’s going to be the first to know about it, and she’s going to start looking for the photos the morning after to see if they made out.

In the animal kingdom, one animal marks its territory by peeing on something. In college, we use the Wall.

Peeing on His Wall: when a female posts on a male love interest’s wall strictly for the destruction of other women.

Guys are completely oblivious to the fact that many of their wall posts were put there for other girls to read. But peeing on his wall is an extremely effective way to tell another girl to back off–or at least make her quake in her stilettos a little. You know this girl is checking his Facebook profile pretty regularly (because that’s just what girls do). So the next time she checks it, she’s going to read your post. And she’s going to want to know so badly what he wrote back—but because you’re on Private (and let’s be honest—what pretty girl isn’t nowadays??)—she won’t be able to. She’s going to suffer.

Let’s play “Planet Earth.” (Side note–isn’t that a great show?) We’ll go into the wild (log into Facebook). Sniff! Sniff! Smell that? It’s female wall urine, from a sorority specimen. How do we know? (We’ll call the poster “Sarah.” We’ll call the other girl reading it “Julie.” And the guy “Jon.”)

1. The post uses some form of a nickname. “Hey babe!” is a good start. If she’s an idiot, “hun!” “Cutie” works too. Something affectionate, and shrill.

2. Reference to a hang out. “It was so good seeing you the other day!” Sarah wants Julie to know that Sarah and Jon were together. If she puts the day, i.e. “It was so good seeing you Thursday!” it’s because she wants Julie to think about what Jon said he was doing Thursday (Julie’s thinking, “He said he was going out with the guys!”), and she wants Julie to question if he lied to her.

3. Reference to a future event. “Get excited for Saturday!!!!” Sarah squeals. (Julie’s thinking, “What are they doing Saturday!?”) Sarah wants Julie to know that he’s with her Saturday. Julie waits to see if he mentions Saturday around her. He needs to wipe his wall down at this point, or at least give it a little shake.

4. Inside joke or question. If there’s something very brief on the wall that requires a response to him, Sarah is just fucking with Julie. Because what Sarah said really is only threatening if Jon replied a certain way, but Julie has no way of seeing what he wrote back. It’s infuriating for Julie.

5. Reference to him calling her. “Someone was pretty drunk last night! Haha, thanks for the call babe!” Oh, Sarah. Now you just look desperate. But Julie is IMing her friends madly and R. Kelly is really enjoying this.

6. Reference to a past event and a time of day. This is crucial. If Sarah writes, “When you left this morning…” or “Sorry I passed out last night,” the wall has just experienced a massive golden shower. Sarah is making it clear for Julie and every other PNMSB (Potential New Man Stealing Bitch) stalking John that she is sealing the deal. And even if there was no hook-up involved, Julie doesn’t know that. Now she’s afraid. Sarah has accomplished her mission. What a little minx.

The best part about girls peeing on guys’ walls is that guys have no idea. They have no clue! They don’t understand that every wall post was calculated and carefully written, not for them (because, honestly, there is NO POINT to wall posts) but for other girls to read. If you tell a guy this, he’ll be in denial. He’ll tell you he “knows girls” and they would “never be that dramatic.” Right. You know girls. You’ve banged five, I live with 50…yep, you know girls.

What I know, is that I’ve watched girls do this. “I am going to write on his wall so she backs off,” is a direct quote. Girls are insane. And Mark Zuckerberg is a misogynistic, sadistic SOB.

I also know that the world would cease to function if guys knew how much their walls were being peed upon. Then they’d start feeling like Mr. Big Dick, cause their wall is all aflutter with sorority girls marking their territory. So this is our little secret. But this is also my little warning—girls, I know what you’re doing. And…if you piss on his wall…I will be pissed off.