Trashy Romance Novel of the Week: Mr. Darcy Takes a Wife
In all my years of reading, I don’t think I’ve ever encountered a book this bad.
Even in my days of “Sweet Valley High,” I never read anything this awful. (Who remembers those? Come on, you know you read them too. The Wakefield twins and their friends’ overdramatic antics were totally the highlight of your 12-year-old lives, don’t lie! I know I was hooked until that whole “evil twin with an evil twin” subplot.)
My roommate bought this book for me for my birthday after we read a scathing review on Amazon talking about how bad it was on every possible level. And I knew when I opened the present wrapped in duct tape that it was going to be an interesting read. But I didn’t realize just how interesting.
Mr. Darcy Takes a Wife is supposed to be a sequel to Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice. Written almost 200 years after the original, the book is essentially literary fanfiction from someone who clearlly has a girl boner for Mr. Darcy. But that’s not the problem. I have no problem with published “sequels” of famous books. I like the mixing of old and new to create a completely different story. I don’t consider the story a true sequel to an original work, I just consider it fanfiction that happens to be published, and what is so wrong with exploring new territory in another author’s world? I am even one of those blasphemers who wouldn’t mind seeing re-makes of classic movies like “Gone with the Wind,” just to see how it could be done without the censorship and prejudice of 1930s filmmakers.
But this book isn’t like that. It’s not a creative twist on a traditional story. It’s not even artsy or well-written or somehow exploratory. It’s. Just. Bad.
title: Mr. Darcy Takes a Wife
author: Linda Berdoll
sex-less summary: Honestly, it’s not even possible to do this summary without mentioning sex. Because that is all that ever happens. When they’re not having sex, I have no idea what is going on. Characters just kind of appear without introduction and then disappear again without ever fitting into the larger plot. The reviews and plot summaries claim that at some point Mr. Bingley (Darcy’s best friend for those who’ve read/are familiar with the original) has baby mama drama and an illegitimate child. But I didn’t make it far enough into this book to even come across this particular subplot. Which is unfortunate, because I picture it like a Regency version of one of those paternity tests on Maury.
Bingley: Pardon me, Madam, but that child is not the fruit of my loins! Mayhaps you are feeling a twinge of the green-eyed monster because you are not as happily married as my wife and I. You have not begotten a child because you are a harlot and have not yet felt Cupid’s arrow.
(Maury Ghetto Translation: That baby ain’t mine! She lyin’ cuz she jealous of me and my new woman and what we got here is real love and she ain’t never had that cuz she a gold-digger!)
Baby Mama: Sir, you are most mistaken! Have you forgotten our tete-a-tete during the garden party a year ago? Your new wife surely has not heard of our passions, and while I’m sure she is a lovely woman, you must surely remember the fire of our kinship?
(Maury Ghetto Translation: NUH-UH! He know he the father of my child! He look just like him! She can’t never give you what I can!)
During the approximately five pages in which Darcy and Elizabeth are not getting it on, I am so bored I want to go back to the sexing, because then at least I know what’s happening.
It’s not even that I have a problem with ridiculous amounts of sex in books. Bring it on! Up until this point, there was nothing I thought that couldn’t be improved with a little humpin’ and pumpin.’ Berdoll claims that this is a “novel,” but I think it might be more appropriate to call it an “erotic novel” because that is literally all that happens. When they aren’t having sex, they are talking about having sex or thinking about sex or wondering how long it’s been since they last did it. Again, I wouldn’t have a problem with this if it were well-written or at least interesting sex. How can anyone make sex this boring? Trust me, this author excells at making something that should be at least mildly exhilarating into something tedious and really, really awkward.
I got about 75 pages into the “novel” before I started skipping around. Too bad every page I landed on was Darcy and Elizabeth making the beast with two backs, so I never got to find the baby mama drama or find out how the completely random characters fit into the rest of the story. I’d think of this as a loss, but then realize how much sex I’d have to wade through to get to the actual plot, and I just don’t have enough Purel to wash my brain with to make this remotely worthwhile.
most squicky moment: Sad to say, there are just so many to choose from! The squickiest concept by far is the author’s apparent fascinating with Darcy’s penis size. Yes, really. I think I read about how large it was about twelve times in four pages. Ugh. Nobody cares. Put it away!
an alternate title: Roommate and I refer to this book as “Mr. Darcy takes a wife…in the bedroom, on the front lawn and in the bathtub.” When my mother and sister visited last week and we told her of this literary travesty, mom offered the following as a title:
“Mr. Darcy Fucks his Wife.”
Awkward. Funny, but awkward.
overall trashiness: This book gets 5 out of 5 corsets for trashiness. It’s by far the worst book I’ve ever read, and that’s saying something. Anyone who manages to take a couple like Darcy and Elizabeth and make them and their sex life boring, should not allowed within 50 feet of a word-processing program. What bothers me so much is the complete out-of-character actions of both our main characters. Instead of being cheeky and fun-loving, Elizabeth is anxious and meek, always worried about offending or shaming her new husband, Darcy. Instead of simply dealing with the problem, she pouts until he finds out what is wrong and assures her of his undying love by initiating more sex. Darcy is a complete tool, who is stern and distant the whole time. I’d like to think that marriage would make him a little more approachable, especially in the company of his wife. His aloofness and her timidity make for many Big Misunderstandings, which are of course solved by more wild, petticoat-removing action!